Dealing with Death
Last week I posted a question in the Satanic Temple Arizona Chapter Forum on Facebook: "What kinds of questions/things would you want to see discussed in regard to parenting as a satanist?"
One of the topics suggested was how to talk to your kids about death. Well as unfortunate luck would have it, this was a talk I had to have with one of my own children yesterday.
Yesterday my son came home from school and told me his cat at his dad's house passed away. "I'm really sad."
"It's okay to be sad, I'm sorry honey."
Death is not something my children have had to directly face quiet yet. We've had no major deaths in the family, not lost any friends, no notable moments where we've had to talk about it beyond the basics of all things eventually die. So the loss of this pet was the first real experience for my youngest, who is seven, and he had a lot of questions; specifically concerned with her remains.
"I think we should bury her, but my other mom wants to burn her. Which is better?"
I explained to him that both methods are good and why burning the body might be better in this situation: they don't have a yard to bury her in and other animals may un-bury her if they did it in a park somewhere. I told him a quick story of this happening to my cat that died when I was a kid and that seemed to solidify to him that cremation was the best technique.
"What about her soul?" he asked. That was the tricky one. Do I tell him I don't think she has one? Do I even truly believe that? Would telling him that be projecting my beliefs onto him (something I try very hard not to do)? I took a moment to think about it and finally answered "If she has one she won't feel it, her body is just an empty body now. She won't feel any pain."
There wasn't much more talking on my part. He started telling me what happened and how he saw her the last day she was alive. She had died of old age from what I understand, I mean she was seven when my ex-husband and I got her so she had to be at least 13-14 years old by now? I just let him talk. Let him describe what he saw, how he felt, and anything else that came out. He just needed someone to listen and that alone seemed to help him feel a little better.
We talked about putting a picture of her somewhere in his room, which I think is a good idea. Often times our instinct is to remove anything painful from our children's lives, so it's common for parents to avoid bringing up the dead or having reminders of them around the house, whether it's a pet or person. But our children's feelings are just as valid as ours and they need to be allowed to grieve just as much as we do. Just like happy pictures comfort adults who have lost loved ones, it can do the same for kids. They need us to talk openly and honestly with them. Use the words death, dead, dying... don't sugar coat a very natural occurrence. Doing so is only going to instill fear and a sense of taboo around the topic: you can't shelter them from life, and life includes death. Let them grieve, and know that it is okay to feel sad sometimes.
This is all a very recent experience, and I'm sure there will be more talking and more questions. I'm planning on getting him a copy of When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown, to read together. Brown's series on Dino Life Guides for Families is one I highly recommend, especially if you want to avoid religious jargon in heavy topics with your children. She addresses hard to talk about topics in an unbiased, accurate way. I used her Dinosaurs Divorce to read with my oldest son when I went through my divorce in 2012-2013. I've found having the visual tool of a children's book is not only helpful in giving myself a focal point to refer to in having these difficult discussions, but also gives my children a reference besides myself to learn from, and the illustrations seem to help them process the information better.
I wish I could give you some sort of perfect formula for talking to your kids about death, but the fact is it is a very personal topic and can vary depending on the circumstances. For example, a murder or suicide would be a much heavier, in depth topic, with a whole different set of questions I'm sure would come with it. It's very much a case by case, person by person situation and could change from one child to the next depending on their own personalities or age differences. For instance my oldest, who is now thirteen, is very calm and logic oriented, and would probably want to know more about the why behind a death. However, my seven year old is much more emotional, and needs comfort and support more than hard answers right now. There's no one clear, perfect method. I did find these articles below that address appropriate ways to talk about death with your children and suggest you read through them. Maybe you don't need this information today, but chances are pretty high someday you will need to have this chat with your child, and it's always better to me emotionally prepared ahead of time.
https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death
One of the topics suggested was how to talk to your kids about death. Well as unfortunate luck would have it, this was a talk I had to have with one of my own children yesterday.
Yesterday my son came home from school and told me his cat at his dad's house passed away. "I'm really sad."
"It's okay to be sad, I'm sorry honey."
Death is not something my children have had to directly face quiet yet. We've had no major deaths in the family, not lost any friends, no notable moments where we've had to talk about it beyond the basics of all things eventually die. So the loss of this pet was the first real experience for my youngest, who is seven, and he had a lot of questions; specifically concerned with her remains.
"I think we should bury her, but my other mom wants to burn her. Which is better?"
I explained to him that both methods are good and why burning the body might be better in this situation: they don't have a yard to bury her in and other animals may un-bury her if they did it in a park somewhere. I told him a quick story of this happening to my cat that died when I was a kid and that seemed to solidify to him that cremation was the best technique.
"What about her soul?" he asked. That was the tricky one. Do I tell him I don't think she has one? Do I even truly believe that? Would telling him that be projecting my beliefs onto him (something I try very hard not to do)? I took a moment to think about it and finally answered "If she has one she won't feel it, her body is just an empty body now. She won't feel any pain."
There wasn't much more talking on my part. He started telling me what happened and how he saw her the last day she was alive. She had died of old age from what I understand, I mean she was seven when my ex-husband and I got her so she had to be at least 13-14 years old by now? I just let him talk. Let him describe what he saw, how he felt, and anything else that came out. He just needed someone to listen and that alone seemed to help him feel a little better.
We talked about putting a picture of her somewhere in his room, which I think is a good idea. Often times our instinct is to remove anything painful from our children's lives, so it's common for parents to avoid bringing up the dead or having reminders of them around the house, whether it's a pet or person. But our children's feelings are just as valid as ours and they need to be allowed to grieve just as much as we do. Just like happy pictures comfort adults who have lost loved ones, it can do the same for kids. They need us to talk openly and honestly with them. Use the words death, dead, dying... don't sugar coat a very natural occurrence. Doing so is only going to instill fear and a sense of taboo around the topic: you can't shelter them from life, and life includes death. Let them grieve, and know that it is okay to feel sad sometimes.
This is all a very recent experience, and I'm sure there will be more talking and more questions. I'm planning on getting him a copy of When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown, to read together. Brown's series on Dino Life Guides for Families is one I highly recommend, especially if you want to avoid religious jargon in heavy topics with your children. She addresses hard to talk about topics in an unbiased, accurate way. I used her Dinosaurs Divorce to read with my oldest son when I went through my divorce in 2012-2013. I've found having the visual tool of a children's book is not only helpful in giving myself a focal point to refer to in having these difficult discussions, but also gives my children a reference besides myself to learn from, and the illustrations seem to help them process the information better.
I wish I could give you some sort of perfect formula for talking to your kids about death, but the fact is it is a very personal topic and can vary depending on the circumstances. For example, a murder or suicide would be a much heavier, in depth topic, with a whole different set of questions I'm sure would come with it. It's very much a case by case, person by person situation and could change from one child to the next depending on their own personalities or age differences. For instance my oldest, who is now thirteen, is very calm and logic oriented, and would probably want to know more about the why behind a death. However, my seven year old is much more emotional, and needs comfort and support more than hard answers right now. There's no one clear, perfect method. I did find these articles below that address appropriate ways to talk about death with your children and suggest you read through them. Maybe you don't need this information today, but chances are pretty high someday you will need to have this chat with your child, and it's always better to me emotionally prepared ahead of time.
https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death
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